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Do Not Click on the Skull, Keep Out!

If you don't like yellow as a background color, change it!

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Need 101 ways to say no to your spouse, boss?
download this little zip file. You can view it now.

Need 97 excuses? Most people need one now and then.
download this little zip file. Or view it now.
       
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervery lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought
slpeling was ipmorantt.

PUNS

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

This is for old men only:

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

One more:

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Can you read these lines correctly the first time?
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The landfill was so full, they had to refuse more refuse.
4. Please polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could be in the lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier chose to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, it is time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does strange antics when does are around.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong for us to wind the sail.
18. I shed a tear upon seeing the tear in the painting.
19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20. I need to intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices?
Is it not crazy that you can make amends, but not one mend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think the first 'teachers of the language' should have been committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. How is it that people recite a play and play at a recital; ship by truck and send cargo by ship; have noses that run and feet that smell??

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; you fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all!

This is why ... when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

A few warped thoughts:

• 3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
• 4. What's another word for synonym?
• 5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• 6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• 7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
• 8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• 9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• 10. Why do they report power outages on TV?
• 11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
• 12. Is it possible to be totally partial?
• 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• 14. Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?
• 15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• 16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
• 17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• 18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
• 19. If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
• 20. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• 21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• 22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• 23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
• 24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

How come?

• 26. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• 28. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• 29. Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
• 30. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• 31. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
• 32. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• 33. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
• 34. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
• 35. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
• 36. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
• 37. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
• 38. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
• 39. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
• 40. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
• 41. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
• 42. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
• 43. Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
• 44. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• 45. If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes."

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Definitions

• ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
• BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
• CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
• CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
• COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
• DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
• EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
• GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
• HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
• INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
• RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
• SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
• TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
• TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
• YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
• WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines

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I would like to know:

• What would a chair look like if our knees bent the other way.
• Why is it that everything we like is either not good for us, or makes us fat.
• When does a grain of sand become a pebble, a pebble become a rock, a rock become a boulder, and a boulder become a mountain?

Do you have a "I would like to know", if so, email me and I'll put it on the list.

The Wheels of Life can be see here.

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Click on "Start" first, and wait until the background color changes. As soon as it changes, hit "stop!"